Final Fanstacy
by The Compendium of Steve
Summary: The final battle of Final Fantasy XII is about to occur, yet there's something different in the air looking to weird things up. A fullblown tale not for the faint of incomprehension. Rated M for excessive language, risque topics and extreme randomness.
1. Prologue: Uber Disclaimer

Uber Disclaimer:** This fiction was made for the sole purpose of nonprofit entertainment ONLY. All characters, places and references are copyrighted property of Square Enix and other respected companies. This fiction was formed out of the deadly combination of boredom, temporary madness, anime, twelve packets of sugar, chocolate pocky, Ouendan, Leslie Nielson films, "Scrubs" re-runs, RPG-Ridiculopothy, gaming as a whole, ramen, ADD, Oreo pie, French fried taters, and an undying urge to laugh for whatever reason. Under no circumstances should any reader(s) attempt to replicate such an approach as this fiction unless they really know what they're doing and if they can remain sane afterwards. Also, any attempts at making said fiction into an animation of any sort without author's approval will be sued shitless. Any persons finding personal offense towards something that isn't even real should immediately blow it out their holes. A secondary warning: N00bs of Final Fantasy (or gaming in general) will be absolutely lost in regards to the immense fan service contained within this fic. With these warnings kept in mind, sit back and enjoy our feature presentation.**

**-**Compendium of Steve

Live to Create


	2. Chapter One: Fallout

Final Fan-stacy

Chapter One: Fall-out

"It was the Hour of Judgment for the Fair City of Rabanastre. The Great Sky Fortress _Bahamut_ continues to make way unto the Innocent Metropolis, seeking to Douse all 'Rebellious Souls'with Its Fearsome Power. The City's only Hope lies in the Adventure-Weary hands of a few Brave Travelers who alone face an Immense Army of Treachery and stand Little Chance of Survival, leaving Us, the Valiant Resistance, to watch hopelessly in the Skies Above. As for Me, I have my Drink and Bitchin' Tunes; I'll be able to wait out whatever Suffering may come. Now I must part; My Feline Aid is about to lose His pants in a card game, and Daddy likes Him some Fur. Merrow."

-_From the Memoirs of Marquis Halim Ondore IV_

_aka "The Tory Tease"_

It was looking very bleak in the world of Ivalice. Outside the city of Rabanastre, the whole Archadian fleet was speeding toward it with an agenda to decimate. Worst still, amidst their already formidable ranks loomed the great Sky Fortress _Bahamut, _a towering, floating construct of devastating doom whose very existence seemed to defy whatever laws were made by the Gods. From the ground watched eyes of uncertainty and hopelessness, which reflected the exact same feelings of the Resistance fleet that was fool enough to challenge such a behemoth that day. Yet zipping through the stratosphere was a lone air ship that sought to change all that: The _Strahl. _Onboard…

**Vaan**: We're really doing it, aren't we?

**Balthier**: Yes Vaan; we really are.

**Ashe**: I just hope we can get there in time.

**Basch**: Worry not Lady Ashe; we'll put a stop to all this.

**Balthier**: Don't get too assured of victory yet. We still have to get there first.

**Fran**: Yes. The final battle awaits us onboard that Fortress. It is there that the fate of Ivalice shall be decided.

**Penelo**: Ohhhh. I'm getting all nervous just thinking about it.

In the control room of the _Bahamut, _the cold eyes of Vayne Solidor watched the battle which was taking place over what used to be Dalmascan skies. At his side was his doubtful little brother Larsa.

**Larsa:** Is all this necessary, Brother?

**Vayne**: Of course it's necessary: All those ungrateful citizens wish to subvert the great Archadian Imperium. What I'm doing is cowing them back to the obedient society we seek to accomplish.

**Larsa**: But this is mad! The loss of life to maintain order is plain barbaric! I believe we can ascertain a more peaceful resolution if we relieve our dogs of war and grant them the mercy of forming an agreeable treaty! We mustn't lose our souls over this petty matter, Vayne!

**Vayne**: Larsa, has anyone ever made mention of how British you sound?

**Larsa**: Oy! Wat's all this about putting blames on people? If anythings you're a mighty lingual in that speak yes ye are!

**Vayne**: Come to think of it, I am pretty posh with the linguistics, am I not?

**Larsa**: Yeah ye are!

**Vayne**: Huh. Now that is a fine how-do-ya-do right there.

**Larsa**: You know sumthing? We shouldn't be fightin' like some old codgers right now. Yer me brother, which makes you me mate, right?

**Vayne**: That's spot-on, little brother!

**Larsa**: Aye, I say we forget everything that I said and let's have sum tea and crumpets for good time's sake.

**Vayne**: Smashing idea, little brother. And how bout I throw in some of my special gooseberry jam while we're at it?

**Larsa**: You do make some fine, tiddily jam Lord Brother.

**Vayne**: Oh stop! You'll flatter me to death! Ho ho ho ho!

Back outside, the _Strahl_ was making its final approach to the fortress.

**Fran**: We're fastly nearing the _Bahamut._

**Balthier**: Wait a tick; something's not right with the onboard sensors. They're picking up a massive flux of energy, and none of it's coming from the _Bahamut._

**Penelo**: Uhhh, when did it just become night, guys?

**Vaan**: What do you mean "night?"

Down in the streets of Rabanastre others began noticing another awesome sight.

**Vendor: **What's up there!?

In the sky high above the _Bahamut _descended a great round disk of bleak blackness that was filled with swirling, bulging strings of lightning that blotted out the sun. In the center of this circle was a pixilated knight in blue and gold armor, a purple cape and a stoic helmet. The sky shook and bent toward this swirling mass, and for good reason: The Evil Lord ExDeath had APPEARED!!!!!!!!

**ExDeath: **Mwahahahahaha!!!!! Tremble before me, mortals!! I, the great ExDeath, have come to your world, and only fear will fill your souls in my presence! In other words: DOOO PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Down below, the citizenry was indeed going crazy before the sight of this great black vortex falling steadily toward the _Bahamut._

**Citizen: **Oh my God!! There's a giant big black round hole in the sky and it's supposed to be scary but it's so horribly outdated and pixilated that it loses a great deal of it's effect but it's got sprited lightning and a creepy theme to it so I guess that makes up for it but anyways YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The people were in mass panic at the citizen's words, and in no time the whole city became one bulging mess of hume, bangaa, seeq and moogle hysteria. But back on the _Strahl _there was a different feeling going around.

**Basch**: What……. the hell is that supposed to be?

**Balthier**: Well I'm not sticking around to find out. We're heading back.

**Ashe**: What? You chicken shit!! We got to stop Vayne!!

**Balthier**: I'm not risking my sexy, suave piratey self by going near that thing, so you better put a sock in it missy.

**Ashe**: I can't believe you can be so-!

**Balthier**: Tie her down!

The rest of the group pounces on Ashe and tie her up. The _Strahl _does a 180 and flees, just as the great black hole finally reaches the _Bahamut._

**ExDeath: **I control the Void: The greatest destructive force in the universe!!!! All other forces of destruction are mere fractions of a shadow compared to the Void!! There can only be the Void, and thus I shall have it absorb all forces of destruction, making it the only force of destruction in the universe. And since I control the Void, I shall become the only destructive force in the universe, for there can only be one, and I AM THAT ONE!!!!!!! So brace yourself, pitiful weapon of mass destruction, cuz you're mine now BIOOOOTCH!!! Mwahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

After the speech, something begins to happen: The _Bahamut _begins warping and stretching into the Void, as if being sucked in. Parts of it start to break off and go into the great abyss. In the control room:

**Vayne**: Oh bother……

**Larsa**: This is certainly depressing.

**Gabranth**: (Super British) Right so it is, me little master. It sure is one dandy stick-in-the-mud sort of affair, ain't it? A real bum-ticker of disappointment; a travesty of military honor; a most upstart turn of events; a great pity shame; most unexpected; a saddening event; it all makes me think of me bro- (Gets shot in face by Vayne)

**Larsa**: Thank you, Lord Brother.

**Vayne**: Not at all you little ragamuffin.

The menacing Void continues to suck in the _Bahamut. _But then something strange occurs: Above the Void at its rim pops in a large, spacey-looking airship. The air around it shimmers for a bit before settling again. Atop the elongated ship stood an old man in some kind of brown alien armor and a cape. It was none other then the Time Warden himself: Garland.

**Garland: **Perfect. At last I have found him: The summon Alexander. With the _Invincible, _I shall make him mine, and use him to destroy that nuisance Kuja once and for all.

Not if I've got anything to say about it.

**Garland**: Huh?

Walking up to him appears the silkily-dressed Genome Kuja.

**Garland: **Kuja!? How did you sneak aboard my ship!?

**Kuja:** I have my ways. And for your correction, this is my ship you windbag.

**Garland:** What!? (Receives a kick to the groin by Kuja, resulting in him being punted off the ship and falling to a messy death)

**Kuja: **Ha! Now I possess the _Invincible_, and Alexander will be mine at last!! A most glorious day this is! (Goes off into girlish laughter)

As all this takes place, the Void continues to absorb the _Bahamut _without any signs of stopping.

To be continued…

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	3. Chapter Deux: Breakout

Chapter Deux: Break-out

ExDeath's Void continues to steadily consume the once fearsome Sky Fortress _Bahamut. _All of a sudden, a familiar tune starts playing in the core of the vortex.

**ExDeath: **What the?

Then out of nowhere another pixilated deity walked onto the scene. His flamboyant coloration and short stature as a sprite made him unmistakable to the evil lord.

**Kefka: **Hello mein worms! I'm heeeeeere!!

**ExDeath: **Kefka!? Why are you here!!??

**Kefka: **Why should it matter whether I'm here or not? I am a diva: My presence shouldn't warrant questions as frugal and simplistic as yours. Thus, you have no business asking them in the first place.

**ExDeath**: Well your diva ass is interrupting my nefarious plan!

**Kefka**: Your what exactly? Please! Absorbing a mechanical toilet log? How's that nefarious in the least bit? That's complete poser bull crap is what it is!

**ExDeath: **Hey you watch it boy! I've been doing the tango of evil a whole lot longer than you have!

**Kefka: **Oh by like what? Two years? Listen here, "old man," I am far superior to you in every way possible! I am more nefarious, my plans of doom are way hipper, and my fashion is simply to die for.

**ExDeath:** Yeah, if you were in the circus.

**Kefka: **Oh ha ha ha. Well guess what? I care not for your cheap attire jokes, since you have nothing to boast about. "Ooooh, look at me: I wear heavy armor and a cape and I'm supposed to be a bad-ass, wah wah wah." You only wear it cuz you ain't got nothin' under it. You're thin air; you have no substance. I, on the other hand, have a physique which gets all the girls wild. I'm made to fight and built to last and I know how to treat them right. Tell me: When you're with a girl, are you the one giving the blow jobs?

**BUUUURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**ExDeath: **Oh yeah! Well air is a mighty abundant and strong force and it can bend all kinds of things, including your pitiful excuse for a joystick!

**RE-BUUUURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Kefka: **Hey, it may not be great, but it gets the job done. At least I have one, Mr. ExDulled!

**ExDeath: **Man, that was lame: About as lame as your mother when I rammed her with my extra-bendy sword. That's the reason why you're so crazy: I done screwed both hers and your brains out!!

**OH NO HE DID-N'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Kefka: **Yes he did, and now I'm pissed!! No one fornicates with my pregnant mother but me!!

**ExDeath: **Watcha gonna do about it? Sic some Imperials on me?

**Kefka: **Oh you wish! You would just love having all those sweaty guys pile on top of you. I know how you swing ya fruitcake!

**RECOVERY BUUUURN!!!!!!!!!!**

**ExDeath: **How bout you stop yappin' and actually do something ya pansy!

**Kefka**: Don't push me, Tin Man! I get nasty when I'm edgy!

**ExDeath:** Like how you got trashed by that obsession of yours called Terra kind of nasty?

**MAKES NO SENSE BUUUURN!!!!!!!!!!**

**AND NEITHER DID THE VERY FIRST ONE!!!!!**

**Kefka: **Hey fuck you!! We both just had our own lives to follow! The break-up was mutual!!

**ExDeath: **Sure, about as mutual as that hired Moogle stripper I saw you with.

……………**.. Actually, that's just plain wrong.**

**Kefka: **Gasp! How do you know of this!?

**ExDeath: **I know all things!! I control the Void!!!!

**Kefka:** Oh for the love of whatever god we follow quit it with that whole Void deal you broken record!!

**ExDeath: **Make me!!

**Kefka:** Oh I will! I'll make you regret ever making that cheap TMNT reference in your stupid GBA remake, along with everything else you did before that!!

**ExDeath:** Hey! The stupid turtle made that reference! And besides, how exactly are you going to stop He Who Controls the Most Destructive Force in the Universe!?

**Kefka: **By doing: This!! (Leaps up and kicks off ExDeath's helmet)

**ExDeath: **Guh! My helmet! What have you done!?

**Kefka: **Never fuck with the Masta of Disasta that is moi!! (Does cheap white-boy sprite dance)

**ExDeath: **You fool! You just upset the balance of the Void! My imperfection will cause mass fluctuations of dark energy which will rip the Void asunder and leave an indescribable cataclysm in its wake! You have just doomed us ALL!!!!!

**Kefka: **What? You serious? Yes!! I did it again! I, the OG of Villainy, have just brought the end of the world into reality once again! I am the almighty Ruinator!! Me! Me! All MEEE!!!! I am the only true diabolical genius of death and pestilence!! Only I could have brought chaos in such a wonderful and skillful manner!! No one can match such cunning!! (Does his trademark laugh. Kuja comes up to him)

**Kuja: **Uhhhh, it seemed to me that all you did was knock off a helmet.

**Kefka:** It's still brilliantly evil and undeniable proof of unrivaled power, and damn sexy at that!!

**Kuja:** No, it's still simply knocking off some guy's helmet and nothing more diabolical than that.

**Kefka:** Screw you, hippie!! I still brought the apocalypse, and I did it all alone yet again!! So kiss your asses good-bye cuz the end is neigh and I call all the shots, and I say I'm going on safari mother fuckers!!! ROSWELL STYLE!!!!!!!!!!

The Void begins to show signs of great distortion and bulging. Suddenly it begins to cave in on itself with a great howling noise, and after some shrinkage it bursts out and takes on a greater shape. Its smooth surface becomes jagged and static-like, and it gains long jagged streaks of red and black all over its circumference. Arched bolts shoot out from everywhere as the very sky of Ivalice becomes cloudy with a fierce crimson hue. From the deformed sphere beings from other realms begin raining down onto the panicky populous, and in that span of time, the Void had mutated into: **Neo-Void**!!

To be continued…

**Don't forget to review**.


	4. Chapter Drei: Freakout

Chapter Drei: Freak-out

**Archadian Reporter: **Mass chaos has struck the city of Rabanastre! This is no joke! Reports have been coming in about a great black object in the sky that began ravaging our mighty air fleet. And I've also been notified that this great hole has transformed into a fearsome spectrum of evil and darkness, one that is now spewing forth creatures never before seen here in Ivalice. Eye witness reports from points around the city all confirm that these creatures have exhibited explicit acts of violence, lack of intelligent reason, and unrestrained loitering. Wait, hold on a second……… I have just been informed that creatures in Ivalice are now beginning to show strange behavior, as if in response to the presence of the new creatures and the vortex in the sky. Some of the ordinary random encounters are now engaging these creatures. Even more shocking, the legendary Espers have also come out and are now wreaking havoc across the land.

It's all very disturbing ladies and gentlemen: Adrammelech is sending down lightning, Famfrit is creating massive tsunamis, Zalera is killing people by the dozen, Zodiark has just wiped out the Nabreus Deadlands with Final Eclipse, and……… Oh hell's no!! Cuchulainn has been spotted in a field of flowers in the Estersands! Oh dear sweet chimenee chocobos he is frolicking through those daisies! I repeat: A giant, hideous, retarded scion of suffering is skipping through a fucking meadow of profound fragrance!! Oh the love of hume-anity that's just some plain dope shit right there!! And someone for the love of Faram put a bullet through my head for saying that ridiculous pun!!! Reporting the apocalypse is one thing but having to say such crap is something my soul can never bear!!! You know what!? Fuck it!! I'll do it myself!!! And one more thing: I banged a Viera from behind, so you're all LOOOOOOOOSERS in my book, suckers!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Shoots self)

The birth of the Neo-Void did indeed spell ruin for Ivalice: All around the limits of Rabanastre monsters and icons from other Final Fantasy iterations were causing all sorts of trouble and mayhem. Take a chance encounter between two powerful deities in the city plaza as an example.

**FFXII Zeromus: **What the fuck are you supposed to be?

**FFIV Zeromus: **I'll tell you what I'm not: Some malformed crab thing all made of fruity purple and is all veiny!

**FFXII Zeromus:** Hey, I'd rather be some crab thing then the butt baby of an alien and a can of Spagetthi-Os.

**FFIV Zeromus:** I look like this for effect, you floating piece of crap!

**FFXII Zeromus: **No; this is used for effect. (Brandishes ginormous claw) All you have are little nubs for limbs, and one fetal claw hand.

**FFIV Zeromus**: Oh yeah, well, uh, er, I have a special attack with a really cool name: Big Bang!

**FFXII Zeromus**: Hey, that's the name of my special attack!

**FFIV Zeromus**: You serious?

**FFXII Zeromus: **Yeah I am, man!

**FFIV Zeromus**: Dude that's like totally weird!

**FFXII Zeromus**: Yeah totally!

**FFIV Zeromus:** Huh; I guess we're not so different after all.

**FFXII Zeromus**: Maybe not. But what can we do now?

**FFIV Zeromus**: I don't know… Ooh! Let's fight!

**FFXII Zeromus**: Okay! (They go into immortal combat)

Somewhere outside the city gates a lone girl was wandering about the desert.

**Selphie:** Where am I? And more importantly, are there any trains here? (Doomtrain plows into her full speed)

Selphie goes flying high above and over past the city. During her trajectory she passes two Ultimas engaging in a bitch-slapping contest. Not too far from that, two other great beings were also engaging in mid-air fighting.

**FFI Chaos:** I am the cooler version!!

**FFXII Chaos**: No; I am the cooler version!!

**FFI Chaos: **I am a final boss!!

**FFXII Chaos: **I am a high-level summon!!

**FFI Chaos: **I have wings!!

**FFXII Chaos:** I have swords!!

**FFI Chaos**: I can walk!!

**FFXII Chaos**: My sitting represents a deeper spiritual meaning!!

**FFI Chaos**: I have my own battle music!!

**FFXII Chaos**: I have my own elemental minions!!

**FFI Chaos**: So do I!!

**FFXII Chaos**: Well you suck!!

**FFI Chaos**: You smell!!

**FFXII Chaos**: You're a retard!!

**FFI Chaos**: You're a doody-head!!

**FFXII Chaos**: You're a sissy!!

**FFI Chaos**: You're the sissy!!

**FFXII Chaos**: No I'm not you dog humper!!

**FFI Chaos: **Butt-sniffer!!

**FFXII Chaos**: Pee-drinker!!

**FFI Chaos**: Fart breath!!

**FFXII Chaos**: Zit face!!

**FFI Chaos**: Wuss!!

**FFXII:** Chicken!!

**FFI Chaos:** Slut!!

**FFXII Chaos**: Whore!!

**FFI Chaos**: Momma's boy!!

**FFXII Chaos**: You're too ugly to get a girl!!

**FFI Chaos**: You spout insults like a girl!!

**FFXII Chaos**: Okay, now you die!!!! (The two then go all out on each other)

Below this conflict, in the Muthru Bazaar…

**Kain**: So you're saying this spear has +150 attack power?

**Weapon Vendor**: Yes it has, sir. I done snagged this beauty right straight from the Necrohol of Nabudis I did. And since it being a Doomsday Sale, I'll part with it for a measly one million gil. A right fair price if I do say so myself.

**Kain**: Uh-huh. And I suppose there's no hope for bartering, is there?

**Weapon Vendor**: Nope; all prices are set and final. No negotiations whatsoever. Shop policy I'm afraid.

**Kain**: Well that's a shame. I guess I'll just have to NOW!!!! (A green pixilated man appears and stabs the vendor in the back for Critical Sneak Attack) Thanks Thief.

**Thief**: Where's my money?

**Kain**: Oh it's on me somewhere- (Takes Zodiac Spear and whacks Thief for 9999 damage) Yes! Now I'm the most powerful Dragoon of all time!!! Up up and awaaaaaay!!!!! (Leaps away but comes falling back down) Crap this thing doesn't have Jump on IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!! (Falls into the depths of Lowtown and crashes)

Not too far from Kain's crash site two powerful yet identical warriors were arguing as their own battle music played on.

**FFV Gilgamesh: **Are you calling me a liar, you scum!?

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: No; I'm only calling you a liar liar pants on fire you charlatan!

**FFV Gilgamesh**: Well I, the great Gilgamesh, find the entitlement you gave most insulting!

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: But I, the one-and-only Gilgamesh, say it is most necessary because it is true!

**FFV Gilgamesh**: Balderdash!! I'm telling you that my sword is much bigger than yours and it is the truth you fruity look-alike!

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: Nay; it is my sword that is the biggest, you flamboyantly-armored imitator!!

**FFV Gilgamesh**: I beg to differ immensely my foe!

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: Oh yeah? How my vile counterpart!?

**FFV Gilgamesh**: I say we solve this like warriors and prove once and for all which of our swords is the grandest!

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: Mine is still the biggest!!

**FFV Gilgamesh**: Then show it to me!!

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: Say what!?

**FFV Gilgamesh**: Reveal your sword so that I may judge its size!

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: I never reveal my sword to one as unworthy as yourself, unless you show me yours first!

**FFV Gilgamesh**: Ludicrous!! I would never dare unsheathe my blade for your filthy eyes to gaze upon!!

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: Then you shall never see my blade brandished before your undeserving sights either!!

**FFV Gilgamesh**: Then how will I know you are not just someone jealous of my well-equip being!?

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: You won't since I will never see this great sword of yours though I am wholly aware of my immense sword!

**FFV Gilgamesh**: But then you could be as great a liar as you accuse me of being!!

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: An undeniable possibility! You are not one to falter so easily by way of argument! Very well, how about this: We both show our swords at the same time!

**FFV Gilgamesh**: A reasonable suggestion but how am I to trust you!?

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: How are you not trust me?

**FFV Gilgamesh**: Excellent point. Very well, ready to be stunned?

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: Only if you're prepared to have your mind blown away!

**FFV Gilgamesh**: Tough words but hopelessly spoken!!

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: You're one to say; only the weak bark such convictions!!

**FFV Gilgamesh**: Oh yeah!?

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: Yeah!!

**FFV Gilgamesh**: Then let's end this!!

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: Okay!!

**FFV Gilgamesh**: On my count!

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: Only if I join!!

**FFV Gilgamesh**: One,

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: Two,

**Both**: GO!!! (Both of them bare two long swords of equal length)

**FFV Gilgamesh**: I am at a loss for words.

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: Quite; it would appear that our swords are evenly matched.

**FFV Gilgamesh**: This is pretty awkward.

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: Yes it is.

**FFV Gilgamesh**: Wanna go hide behind some doors and scare people?

**FFVIII Gilgamesh**: Hells yeah my brother! (They run off)

The Gilgameshs run past two purple beings in the alley getting merry with some liquor.

**Ultros: **Show me the way to go home bum bum bum I'm tired and I wanna go to bed. Take it away, friend!

**Orthros**: Blargh gur blegh gurg slogh megh gleb slurp.

**Ultros**: Oh duude you are one sexy blob of goo, I tells ya.

Odd encounters such as these were commonplace all around Rabanastre that day. But outside the city there wasn't a difference on the weirdness scale. FFV's Omega Weapon trudged Giza Plains killing every little thing that got in its way. Suddenly FFXII's Omega Weapon pounced on the FFV version and began to tear it to pieces. Just as it finished FFVIII's Omega Weapon came out of nowhere and ate up FFXII OW and the remains of FFV OW because in the end the FFVIII iteration pwns all. Other than that, the plains of Giza and other places were filled with all kinds of epic clashes: Ixions butting heads; Ifrits engaging in fist fights; Bahamuts bringing fire to the air; Carrots going wild; Shivas dancing to sexy rap; chocobos being introduced to incest breeding; Cids arguing and nodding off; the list of oddities went on and on. But all that was nothing in comparison to what was about to take place in the sky beneath the Neo-Void.

Roaring in at breakneck speeds appeared three Deathgazes who were on a high-velocity intercept course with one another.

**FFVI Deathgaze: **I'm spooky!!!!!

**FFIX Deathgaze**: I'm creepy!!!!

**FFXII Deathgaze**: Growwl roowl rarrrrrr!!!!

The three challengers were reaching super sonic speed and in a split second collided with one another at one point simultaneously. This collision resulted in the assimilation of a great energy ball which radiated some kind of powerful, deadly force. After some seconds of glowing the ball quickly disappeared and in its place……… Son of a bitch!!! **_Sephiroth_** was all that remained!!!!!!!!! OMG WE'RE SCREEEEWED!!!!!!!!! Cue "One-Winged Angel" stat!!!!! The all-powerful devastator simply floated there looking at his new surroundings. He then looked up and noticed the ominous Neo-Void.

**Sephiroth: **I can't say for sure what's going on here exactly, nor do I intend to do so. But this vortex… yes, it would make a most suitable transporter. Worry not, Mother: Your legacy will carry on. I will make all worlds one under your influence, starting with this one first. And from there on, there will be nothing left but your eternal memory and all-cleansing silence. The Great Pilgrimage begins now.

And with that Sephiroth gathered energy, and in a flash shoots up into the Neo-Void. New activity appeared on the surface of the vortex, and in a matter of seconds the whole thing solidified into one great solid object. This new object in the sky now resembled a more physical threat, one far more recognizable as well. For burning high above Rabanastre, above all of Ivalice, hung a slowly falling **Meteor 2.0 Deluxe, **which sought to tear the world asunder and nothing more. Judgment Day had officially begun in the realm of Final Fantasy.

To be continued…

**Bring out your reviews. Bring out your reviews.**


	5. Chapter Cuatro: Stepout

Chapter Cuatro: Step-out

Despair. Hopelessness. These were the emotions of all those conscious that day in Rabanastre. The chaos and fighting of that day immediately stopped at the sight of the great omen above them. The reborn Meteor brought dread onto the people who stared up at that crimson sky, and they had no reason to think differently. All airships that were capable of putting a dent in the doom rock were wiped out during the Void's WMD absorption campaign early on, and no weapon on that planet could ever match the sheer size and power of the impending catastrophe. Because of this, no one at that moment bothered to move from where they stood, for the Meteor 2.0 Deluxe meant the guaranteed end of all Ivalice, and everyone had a front row seat no matter where they may flee. Pointless was how everyone saw it. Simply pointless.

In the far outskirts of the city, up in the cliffs of the Westersands, the heroes of Ivalice simply sat and remained quiet despite the glorious view they had of the meteor. The air was far too glum for any sightseeing.

**Balthier: **So Vaan, what do you make of all this?

**Vaan:** Of what?

**Balthier**: The end of the world: How it just had to take place in the city where we first met. I find it to be a rather cruel ironic joke on my part.

**Penelo**: I just can't believe it's actually happening: That we're all going to die…

**Basch**: Nothing has been certain when that black hole appeared, but now I get the assurance that our end is at hand.

**Ashe**: After everything we've been through. All those lies, hardships, losses, and now learning that facing them was all for nothing. Just a great waste of time…

**Balthier**: But look on the bright side: At least we got to see the entire world before this our day of reckoning. And there were the things we did while doing that. Sure, a good plenty of them were unpleasant, but the few good times we had I would never forget. Plus, we made a good deal of gil so it wasn't a complete waste.

**Fran**: Gil and wealth won't matter to us for very much longer. Soon everything will be gone, and only emptiness will remain. It'll be a peaceful place: No need or hunger of any sort. I feel no regret towards the great undoing of life.

**Balthier**: Beh, speak for yourself. I paid and worked a lot in making the _Strahl _what she is today. If anything I regret seeing my pride and joy go up in a great roiling inferno. But I suppose you can't be picky when it comes to the apocalypse, can you?

**Penelo**: I just wish we could have done more for everybody down there. If only there was a way to help them right now.

Popping out of nowhere appears a decadent Moogle.

**Montblanc**: There is a way you can help everyone!

**Vaan**: Montblanc!? (An identical Moogle pops up next to Montblanc) Wait, you have a twin!?

**FFTA Montblanc**: More or less, but that's not important! What's important are you guys!

**FFXII Montblanc**: You people can't be moping around like its game over just yet. You gotta get up and do something about this crisis. You're the heroes, so you better act like some!

**Vaan**: Huh?

**FFTA Montblanc:** You heard him right. On your feet soldiers! You got a world to save!

**Basch:** What are you talking about?

**FFXII Montblanc:** It's very simple: Where there's a will, there's a way, and you guys have plenty strong wills in ya. With that said, you guys should have no troubles taking down that big bad ol' meteor.

**Vaan**: Are you crazy? How can we possibly stop that thing? What gives you the idea that we have the power to destroy something well over a billion times our size?

**Ashe**: He's right: I'm but a princess, not a miracle-worker.

**FFTA Montblanc**: Oi these guys are so dense!

**FFXII Montblanc**: Patience friend. Listen, kids, you can't take this thing so negatively. I know you guys: You faced way tougher things before. You fought ghosts, wyrms, Espers, and you even brought down the legendary Yiazmat with no problem.

**Penelo**: We did?

**FFXII Montblanc**: You should have, and without the use of "special enhancements." Am I riiight? (Gives serious stare in direction of reader)

**FFTA Montblanc**: The point is that you guys did an awesome job protecting the world so far and now it's time to kick it up a notch.

**FFXII Montblanc**: That's right. The threat we're facing is a cunning one. It's as devious as it is gargantuan. It knows that all effective conventional weapons are kaput, so it has a very high level of confidence at obtaining total victory.

**FFTA Montblanc**: And this leaves it open for a surprise attack led by you guys. You shall catch this baddy when it least expects it with its guard completely down. A wham-bam-a-roo straight to oblivion for this dude!

**FFXII Montblanc**: And it will be done with the least expected element of all. You, us, and everyone in this land will combat this thing with the one effective weapon at our disposal, a weapon that has stood the test of time from generation to generation despite war, genocide and disease. There can only be one final solution, and it is none other than: Dance!!

**Group: **WHAAAAAAAAAAA!?

**FFTA Montblanc: **It is the only way! Hold no doubt whatsoever!

**FFXII Montblanc**: For life and honor it must be done! Now say it with me real loud:

**_OuenDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!_**

(Note: For maximum enjoyment, put on "READY STEADY GO" by L'Arc en Ciel at full blast and sing along. If ears should fail, rest assured that you will still be able to read)

**Last Mission:**

**End of Fantasy!?**

**Fight for Dance Life Honor!!**

**Vaan & Penelo: **Ready Steady Can't Hold Me Back!

**Osu!!**

**Balthier & Fran: **Ready Steady Give Me Good Luck!

**Osu!!**

**Basch & Ashe: **Ready Steady Never Look Back!

**Osu!!**

**All: **Let's Get Started Ready Steady GOOOOOOO!!! (They dash off to combat. At the Sandsea)

**Kytes:** Hey guys! Did you hear: Vaan is fighting evil and we need to help him!

**Osu!!**

**Pilika: **Bhujerba has got your back, friends!

**Osu!!**

**Jules: **I guess Archadia will help as well!

**Osu!!**

**Mjrn: **NPCs unite!!

**FFVIII Wedge**: Dancing Wedges at your service!

**Montblancs: **Ready!? Un Deux Trois GO!!

**Humes: **Fukitonde yuku fukeiiii! Korugaru you ni mae eee!

Kurushi magure demooo, hyouteki wa mou minogasaniiii!

**Vieras**: Ate ni naranai chizuuu! Yakute shimaeba ii saaa!

Uzumoreta shinjitsuuu,

**Seeq: **Kono teno hira de tsukami torou-

**Bangaa**: MuchuuUU deeeeee!!

**Dancing Wedges**: Hayakuuuu!!

**Bangaa**: Kake (Kake) nukete kita!

Urusai kurai ni harisake sou na kodou no ta-ka-nar-iiii!!

**Moogles**: HibiiIIteeeee!!

**Nu Mou:** Yooonde!!

**Moogles**: Iru (Iru) kimi no koe!

Koko de tachidomaru you no jikan wa nai sa Ready,

**Ivalice:** Steady GOOOOOOO!!!!

FFVIII Omega Weapon is about to attack Vaan, but FFXII Gilgamesh pops in and cuts it down with a single slash while wearing a pink tutu.

**FFXII Gilgamesh: **I'll get help! Use this! (Tosses tutu at Vaan and leaps away)

**Vaan Receives The Tutu of Motivation!!**

**The Dancers and Viewers are Greatly Invigorated!!**

**Cloud: **I'll help you out!

**Squall**: You have our support!

**Zidane**: Same here!

**Tidus**: Git 'r done!!!

**Heroes: **Right!!

**FFVII: **Kazoe kirenai kizuuu! Kakae konde ite mooo!

Chotto yasotto jaaaaa,

**FFVIII**: Tamashi made wa ubawasenaiiiiii!

**FFIX**: Ano oka no mukou deeee! Kimi ni deaeta naraaa!

**FFX**: Nana kara hana souuu,

**FFIV**: Sonna koto bakari omou yo-

**FFOrigins**: MuchuuUU deeeee!!

**FFT**: Hayakuuu!

**FFOrigins**: Kake (Kake) nukete kita!

**FFIII**: Urusai kurai ni harisake sou na kodou no ta-ka-nar-iiiii!

**FFAnthology**: HibiiIIteeee!!

**FFTA:** Yoooonde!

**FFAnthology:** Iru (Iru) kimi no koee!

Koko de tachidomaru you no jikan wa nai sa Ready,

**Final Fantasies**: Steady GOOOOO!!!!

Meanwhile, at the Tokyo Game Show…

**FFXII Gilgamesh**: A bunch of weirdoes are out saving the Gamingverse and they're sweating up a storm!!

**Nintendo**: He's right! They are in need of assistance!

**Sony**: In the name of honor we will help!

**Microsoft**: We must protect our investments!

**Developers**: Go forth our creations! Save the Great Fantasy!!

The veritable warriors shot forth through time and space and descended into the great dancing mass to lend their power.

**Mario & Link**: Ready Steady Can't Hold Me Back!

**Snake & Kratos**: Ready Steady Give Me Good Luck!

**Master Chief**: Ready Steady Never Look Back!

**All**: Let's Get Started Ready Steady GOOOOO!!!!

Suddenly a band called the Squishy Armada appears and gives off powerful guitar riffs, with members ranging from robed humans, some velociraptors and a robed midget with a custom guitar. High above in the Meteor 2.0 Deluxe…

**Sephiroth**: Who the fuck are those guys!?

**Kuja**: I have no idea!

**Kefka**: What!? They're here!? Shit!!!

Down below…

**Montblancs**: Let's finish this!!

**YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Entire Gamingverse: **KokorooOO waaaaaa! (Hashiruuu!)

Ano (Ano) sora no shita!

Karamawari suru kimochi ga sakebi dasu no o to-me-rar-en-aiiiiii!

Kimii madeeeeee! (Todokeee!)

Kitto (Kitto) ato sukoshi!

Atsuku hizashi ga terasu kono michi no mukou Ready,

Steady GOOOOO!!!!!!!

And Please: Trust MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Below the great Meteor all the people were one unified dancing mass. A great blue energy formed around them and grew and bulged up ready to burst upward at the menacing space rock. The radius of the energy was endless, and its glow only made it seem greater. Up in the Meteor…

**Kuja:** (Calmly) Fellas, you do realize how royally fucked we are, right?

Down below the energy field has reached its peak, and in an instant it exploded upward into a massive beam that hit the Meteor dead-on. There's a flash, and utter, silent white.

_To be concluded…_

**To leave a review, look below. To make scathing criticism, go sit on a pineapple; leafy end up preferably.**


	6. Chapter Itsutsu: Chillout

Chapter Itsutsu: Chill-out

The light dimmed down, and what was visible was hope. The sky had returned to its azure brilliance, and even more so now that remnants of the Meteor were scattered across the atmosphere and were giving off a great sparkling display. Down in the city streets and the city limits everyone finally swelled with joy and gave off thunderous cheer. The menace was gone and no strife was felt in that ecstatic moment. Foes gave hugs and shook hands, lovers embraced, children ran carefree, elders nodded, sentries rested, and fanfare rang throughout the streets. Complete annihilation had been averted, and a group of heroes were at the center of that miracle.

**Penelo**: We did it!! We actually did it!!!!!!!

**Zell**: We all did it; watchu talkin' about?

**Yuffie**: Master Ninja Yuffie has done it again!!

**Barrett**: Aw no one gives a damn about your candy ninja ass!

**Freya**: Peace has been restored. All is well.

**Snake**: Mission accomplished, Kojima-san. Mission accomplished.

**Master Chief**: Man, I've got to take a break from this kind of crap. I ain't as flexible as I used to be.

**U-1**: Aw man; why didn't I turn into Gitaroo-Man for this one? Oh well, at least everything is fine. Right Puma?

**Puma**: Right U-1!

**Chocobo**: Kweh kwehh!!

**Cactuar**: Cactaur cactaur cactuar!

**Vaan**: Hey, Montblanc, and other Montblanc, we couldn't have done this without you.

**FFTA Montblanc**: Save the gratitude for yourselves. We're only motivators; you guys were the true magic-workers here.

**FFXII Montblanc**: But we did get plenty of help in the end, and for that we all can be grateful, especially to our special guests over there. (Turn to the band)

**Jawa**: Well we had to make a cameo at some point. Plus we'd do anything to keep the Final Fantasy universe alive and kicking. So Jo, are we set to go?

**Jedi**: Yes we are, Squish. Our work here is done. (Pulls out walkie-talkie) Contractor, ready for pick-up. (The strange group leaves Star Trek-style)

**Princess Peach: **I guess we should be going as well. Right Mario?

**Mario**: Whatever; so long-a as you make-a me some god-damn-a dinner when we get-a back you lazy-ass-a ho.

**Kratos: **I've got to get going, too: I have me a date with some succubi.

**Master Chief**: We gotta go too. Come on, Arbiter.

**Arbiter**: (Whiny) But these lizard people are making me horny! (Gets imaginary ear snatched and pulled by Master Chief)

**Cloud**: It was cool hanging with you guys.

**Sora:** We should do this again some other time, soon maybe.

**Penelo:** See yaaa!! (Waves goodbye)

**Guests**: Later! (Everyone goes to their respective universes)

**Kytes: **So what now?

**Basch**: The road is clear, but the future remains unforeseeable.

**Vaan: **Huh?

**Balthier: **I think he means that we have just given ourselves the chance to better the world or something like that.

**Ashe**: That's right. Everyone that sought to ruin our world has been vanquished. All that's left are the victims of a corrupt empire. We have been blessed with the opportunity to fix past wrongs by paving a new future. In order to do that, we will have to rebuild; tear down all structures that have represented oppression and injustice and replace them with institutes of equality and mercy. It is up to every single man, woman and child here to ensure that history will never repeat itself and to forge a life where everyone can live-

**Ultros: **Yo guys check it out! I just got my tentacles on several cases of fresh Bhujerban Madhu! Let's all head over to the tavern and get shit-faced!!

**Everyone**: Yeeeeeeeeeeah!!!!! (They all stampede to the Sandsea. After a bit everything goes dark and a piano plays)

**Ultros: **I've paid my dues……

**Migelo**: Time after time……

**Ba' Gamnan**: I've done my sentence……

**Basch:** But committed no crime……

**Ghost of Reddas**: And bad mistakes……

**Balthier**: I made a few……

**Vaan**: I had my share of sand kicked into my- (A hand turns off the boom box)

**Gilgamesh**: No no no no no! You people are not gonna sing that overplayed washed-out single! No, this thing calls for a more recent classic. One that rocks the casbah: To the max!! (He hits another button. Sum 41's "Makes No Difference" plays as the people dance to it and the credits roll)

**Teh Creditz**

**Hironobu Sakaguchi: For creating an unforgettable RPG experience, and Gilgamesh**

**Nobuo Uematsu: For making some kick-ass music over the years**

**My pal Henry: For getting me into Final Fantasy**

**L'Arc en Ciel: For making one of the Greatest Songs of all Time, which was featured in this fiction**

**Full Metal Alchemist: For exposing me to "READY STEADY GO," and being a cool anime**

**Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan: For being a fun DS game, and for utilizing "READY STEADY GO" in the field of meteor disposal**

**Pocky: For EXISTING!!!!!**

**Japan: For being an unending source of inspiration in the field of weird**

**God: For blessing us with POCKY!!!**

**Ramen: see pocky**

**My dog Bear: For being the greatest mutt in the whole world and an excellent stress reliever**

**Gitaroo-Man: For getting me more into music-based situations**

**iNiS: For making 2 of the greatest rhythm games of all time**

**This has been**

**A Contractor Production**

****

**Crono: **Ughh… Where am I?

**Marle:** Oh thank God you're finally awake!

**Crono**: What's going on?

**Lucca**: You passed out from another Ether binge. You seriously need to cut down on that stuff.

**Crono: **I should; I had this one fucked-up dream just now. There were look-alikes arguing like bitches, and swords and violence and lame double-entendres. Then there was dancing and incoherent singing and liquor and randy aliens and then there was some weird purply tentacle thing wielding booze.

**Lucca:** Huh; sounds like your kind of fantasy, Crono. Hee hee.

**Marle: **Well, the important thing is that you're awake and alright.

**Crono:** Yeah I guess.

**Lavos:** Okay Mr. Crono: Time for your prostate exam!

**YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Fin**

**All reviews will be humbly accepted, and thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it.**


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